2014: What A Start!

It's pretty freaking ridiculous how inconsistent I am at blogging. I used to be so attached to my laptop. I used to blog almost daily. The positive side to my absence is the fact that I've been living my life. No longer do I really need to romanticise drinking tea and my loneliness because I've been far from it!

Is it rude for me to say that? I know that there are a lot of people who look to the internet as a refuge from their abysmal realities... I guess I can say that I used to be that person, but life through me a second wind and now I'm winning (You can win too!).

So much has changed since the cynical little me from 2013. Sure, I still have my flaws and angst... but this year is already so different in so many ways.
In point form, here's what's different:

• I turned 21. I didn't cry on my birthday because of sadness.
• Ben and I are now engaged. WAWAWIWA!
• My originals band keeps getting better and better and I'm so excited to pounce on the industry and get out there!

Here's what is still the same:

• I'm still a poor uni student
• I'm still a waitress/bartender

My birthday took place on the 10th of January and consisted of a feast of pizza, cocktails, cake and much much dancing! It's a really weird thing for me when your own father encourages you to get wiggly-wasted... but don't worry, I didn't. That ain't ma' thang.

It was so good seeing so many friends I hadn't seen or had the chance to catch up with for ages! The night also involved getting into an arm wrestle with Felipe's girlfriend Leah, and then losing said arm wrestle (don't worry guys, I've already started my new workout plan to smash her in future LOL).

On my actual birthday (14th of January), my bestfriend El took me out to do the River Walk and have brunch. She just knows me so well! I ended up demolishing my food, and then eating the rest of hers. Whatever, it was my birthday! And I don't regret it hahaha. The food was amazing. We went to a local cafe in my hometown called "Henri Marc". If you live in Western Sydney check this place out!

When I got home, one of my favourite white lace dresses was laid out on my freshly made bed and next to it was a large envelope. On the front it said, "1) Do not read the letter inside until 3pm 2) Inside is something to keep you occupied in the mean time P.S. Keep the dress with you, You'll know when to put it on". Inside the envelope was The Hobbit on DVD which kept me well entertained until I could finally open the letter from Ben at 3pm. I'm famous for crying on my birthday. And that I did. About a paragraph through Ben's letter I was already sobbing, it was seriously so sweet. I'm sorry to ramble on about it. But it was. On the following page of the letter was a code breaker and some clues to help me on my way for a scavenger hunt planned by Benjamin himself! It took me almost an hour to crack the first code, to which i almost broke down and cried because it was so hard! But i ended up solving it and then went on my way to going to different destinations collecting hidden clues that'd lead me to the next. Some of these include Ben and my first kiss, our first date, our first candlelit dinner and so on... It was exhausting but the clues eventually led me to Ben's house where he was waiting for me in his backyard which he decked out with lanterns, a rug and an outdoor movie theatre. It was so sweet! 

Cue second set of tears of joy! Haha. I've never experienced anything like this before. I have never felt so loved like this. Ben seriously hit the nail on the head with all the meticulous details he took into consideration. I was already set for the night, but there was more. After gorging on olives (my love), salami, hummus and crackers, he then cooked dinner for the two of us! It was a delicious pasta, he made the sauce from scratch! I'm so proud, haha.

He then brought out more gifts for me, a new water bottle that had owls on it (i have a bit of crazy obsession for owls), and The Vow on DVD. So we put that on and started watching it while mosquitos had fun chewing on my face and legs. But whatever, the night was perfect.

About an hour through the movie he turns to me and says, "I need to pee". So we pause the film, and he goes inside. I think nothing of it. I just play around on my phone. You know, whatevs. When he returns, he gestures me to get up and hug him. So we stand there hugging for a while, he then looks at me and says, "I know you don't like ageing, so I wanted to give you something that would make you happy on your birthday". That's when it happened. He dropped down on one knee and pulled the ring out. I couldn't believe it was happening. "Yes!" I shout, "Oh my gosh! isdfjksjskdf... What do I do now?" "Put the ring on?" "Put it on me!" So on goes the ring, and we hug and we kiss and i CRY for the THIRD time. Hahaha. It was seriously the most beautiful moment. We spent the rest of the night showing his parents, then waking up El to show her, and then showing my parents. It was the best day. And I don't even think I'll ever be able to have a better day. I have no excuse to be sad on my birthday again, ever. LOL.

As a last treat, on the following saturday my best friends blindfolded me and surprised me with a picnic and pool sesh! It was so much fun. I love them. Seriously, this is how I can tell my true friends from the rest. That is, they greet me with food. Hahaha.

So now I've got a degree to finish, and lot's and lot's of planning to do! Hopefully I'm a little more consistent with my blogging this time around. But don't hate me if I fail to give a wholesome update until next year. Haha.

2013: A Rocky Start

Howdy! It's been a while! It generally is with blogger and I apologise. The past few months have been great, what with Christmas (my first Christmas with the bf), New Years and my birthday, a lot of grand things have occurred. But I don't know, I still feel mild with life. I still feel really lukewarm about it all really, which sucks. I mean, i know I'm terribly blessed... but it's as if I'm living in a house with no lights on, and no windows and I just can't seem to find the door.

Turning 20 was hard. I'm not going to lie, I cried multiple times in the midst of my boyfriend. The poor guy. On the morning of my birthday I cried to him because I was convicted and upset about my lack of integrity during something that occurred at my birthday party the night before. Then after he had finished work, I turned up to his house on the night of my birthday and started crying again for the same reason and also because I just felt like I haven't achieved anything yet. He had an evening planned for me but we ended up post-poning the whole thing. I remember feeling so disappointed in myself because as he tried to cheer me up by handing me a Nintendo 64 (twas so sweet of him), i was still sad and depressed. *sigh I have serious deep-seated issues. But don't worry, the night turned out all right in the end.

One truly grand thing that's been happening more frequently however are bible studies with Ben and also personal opportunities to SOAP. They truly are grand and I can see how God is beginning to work new things within me and slowly weed out the dirty habits and ideas that I let take root in my life the past year. As well as that, its helping me let go of a lot of hurt i still have buried under my skin. Whenever given the opportunity, we'll suggest a bible study. It generally occurs when we eat out at lunch, or when we're in a cafe enjoying the weather over a cup of coffee. I love it most when Ben shares what he thinks. He's told me himself that isn't very good at explaining things, or explaining how he feels, so i feel very privileged when we've read something and I'm not the only one talking haha.
Today we read Romans 8 together. It was so great and I was so refreshed by it! I highlighted so much, however, the most poignant for where I am right now would be Romans 8: 5-7 :-

"Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. Te mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God's law, nor can it do so."

Why you ask? Well, for a while now I've become more and more vain, and more and more conscious and obsessive about my weight, my appearance etc. I've also become increasingly sensitive and fussy about what people say about what I wear, and also more fussy about the foods I eat. I've begun to tread the fine line, the harmonious balance between caring about my physical and spiritual health. Sometimes I get really anxious whenever I go out to eat because there are no healthy options, so I'll opt to eat nothing, or eat little. What also hasn't helped is hanging out with a group of dudes who view women in a manner that I feel is derogatory, superficial and as a means to satiate their lustful desires (i.e. they're not after sincere relationships, but just a good "bang"). I mean, I love these guys, but it depresses me that their mindset wont allow them to both wait for the right girl and/or appreciate women for how God designed them. I get so riled up when women are objectified. I truly do. Sometimes I just want to gather all women together and let them know how truly significant each and everyone one of them are. Man, so many thoughts are flying through my head. There are so many things in my life that need addressing. Okay, I better stop typing all this down before I let too much out.

I'll conclude it by letting you know, God's Word is so refreshing, and it's reviving me. God is moving. I know that's for sure, and my prayer is for change and revival in my life and relationships. I'm also hoping for revolution in my home life and in my mentalities. Yes. I know I'm messed up, but i know God is here.

Ana

7 months and counting...

Every month my boyfriend and I do something to celebrate our time together. At 7 months, my boyfriend planned our day with a picnic and bike ride at Blaxland Riverside Park. He initially planned to take us to Bicentennial Park, but finding parking was impossible! So we drove around Sydney Olympic Park to find a place to have our picnic and came across Blaxland Riverside Park which was vast, and mountainous with crazy looking playground equipment as if it were straight out a Dr. Seuss book, it was amazing! I wish i were a kid again. We found parking, Ben took the esky, I took the rug and we ate our glorious, glorious lunch that he prepared under the shade of a tree. I loved it. He even had Appletiser, haha, AND FRUIT SALAD. So good.

We then went venturing across the park and went exploring at an Armory to discover that you could hire Segways and bikes! We were SO keen to go on Segways, but since we're poor musicians, we opted for bicycles. The bike ride was amazing! We ended up riding alongside the Parramatta River for an hour and raced each other (well, i don't think he realised that i was racing him), we loved it! We're so keen to do more bike rides (oh and segway rides!).

It was an awesome day, which was then concluded with his grandmother's birthday dinner, his family is so hilarious! 

I love being outside, pigging out on healthy food and getting sweaty, it makes me feel significantly more accomplished than being inside, eating junk, haha. I loved it. It was a truly spectacular day!

Breakfast & Bible Study: Single Origin Roasters, Sydney

Yesterday, Ben and I both woke up early and met up early in order to have some quality time with each other and God's Word before heading off to class at possibly my favourite joint to get coffee in Sydney, Single Origin Roasters in Surry Hills. It's an awesome little corner cafe surrounded by quiet streets lined with trees, bicycles, interesting book stores, modern and old terraces, and lofts that inhibit a New York-esque about them (and inhibiting how much I'd love to live in one).  Breakfast was pretty pricey (just over $34 to cover for the both of us). So we being poor students have taken it upon ourselves to find cheaper breakfast spots, and occasionally spoil ourselves with our favourites, occasionally that is. But my skim latte from Single Origin is always worth it. Always. 

I honestly cherish these mornings. I love starting my days like this. Although it can be painful to wake up and head into the city at an early hour (which is really just one hour before class), I love what I'm getting out of it. I love the time I spend with Ben, the conversations we have and the intimacy of sharing our observations out of 1 Corinthians.

There was so much that I got out of our bible study yesterday. So much meat that spoke volumes to how my character is transforming from the semi-rebellious/angsty girl of yesteryear to a more growing, God-fearing young woman. So I thought that I'd do exactly what I did on my last blog post and note down all the verses that I highlighted and discuss what they meant to me.

"But with most of them God was not well pleased, for their bodies were scattered in the wilderness" 1 Corinthians 10:5

Prior to this verse Paul tells the church of Corinth to be aware of how their fathers followed God in the sense that they ate and drank the same spiritual food and drink, following the Rock that is Jesus. The reason why this verse stuck out to me was because it showed me that even if you're in a body where everyone is God-seeking and serving God, if you're only giving a religious lip service it benefits no one, but religious and legalistic expectations to lead your life and I don't believe that, that is the essence of the Christian faith at all.

"No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to hear it" 1 Corinthians 10:13

There is no temptation and no struggle we encounter that no one else hasn't encountered before. This is not to disqualify your struggle, but to encourage those who are struggling with temptation (which includes myself). The point is, we are all struggling, we are all being tempted to do things that God doesn't want us to do for our own well-being. And God's faithfulness stands in the gap, never letting the temptation exceed to destroy us so long as we hold onto Him. I found that so encouraging, that it is in fact God's faithfulness in my life that keeps the enemy at bay.

"You cannot drink the cup of the Lord and the cup of demons; you cannot partake of the Lord's table and of the table of demons" 1 Corinthians 10:21

This one was a simple but awesome one for me. You cannot have the best of both worlds, because really, you're just selling out to the world. "I'll go out drinking tonight, but it's okay, I've got Church on Sunday". That's not how Christianity works... to willingly abuse God's grace would be like a parent rewarding a kid for doing something bad. It sucks though, when you fall into the trap of sinning intentionally and then asking God for forgiveness... because I know that He loves me too much to leave me astray and He'll forgive me, but at the same time, there is a built up guilt that I intentionally wronged Him but now come crawling back in order to clear my conscience.

"All things are lawful for me, but not all things are helpful; all things are lawful for me, but not all things edify" 1 Corinthians 10:23

Just because it's legal doesn't mean it's right to do nor will it bring you up to be a better person. Such as, turning 18 and commencing the Australian trend of binge drinking or smoking. Just because you're of age doesn't mean it's good for you. It'll eat at you, erode you ... and not to mention it's so bad for your physical health! So again, just because it seems right to others, doesn't mean it has to be right for you.

"Therefore, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God. Give no offence, either to the Jews or to the Greeks or to the church of God, just as I also please all men in all things, not seeking my own profit, but the profit of many, that they may be saved. Imitate me, just as I also imitate Christ" 1 Corinthians 10:31-32; 11:1.

In my days as a youth leader, 1 Corinthians 11:1 was by far what kept me going. When I first started I felt absolutely unequipped to serve young girls and I felt that I didn't know enough about the bible and about God to share with them. However, my youth pastor put it simply and encouraged us that we didn't need to know everything, we just needed to know God and keep growing one step ahead of the girls so that I could lead them. What also stuck out to me in this passage is that Paul tells us to give no offence to anyone, but to love everyone so that they may be exposed to the love of Christ. I see a lot of Christian groups that congregate in hatred against different groups (like homosexuals to name one) and it absolutely frustrates me, because all I want to do is showcase the love of Christ, how can we expect to build the church when the church members are pushing people away with hate? So I'm going to start with giving glory to God through my life, my relationships, my health... everything. It's time I pushed myself to Godly limits and allow Him to move pivotally in my life again. It's incredibly exciting because I know that there is so much in store for me.

The Severity of Sincerity

It's pretty funny, before i started typing down this blog post I conjured up in my head what my first line would be. And out came "my husband and I started doing bible studies..." But then I realised hang on, I'm not married yet. That's awkward, hahaha. Anyway, I thought that was HILARIOUS. Anyway, back to this blog.

On my other blog (tumblr) I talked about how I desperately want to get back into blogging with substance again. Blogging with sincerity  and blogging with the intent to grow spiritually and simply mentally work out my brain (playing music 24/7 may be dumbing me down).

My boyfriend and I started doing bible studies together (That's him and myself above). We both wanted to make this a consistent habit for us since we first started dating six months ago, but it was only a month ago that we really started doing it, and it has been awesome! We're currently tackling 1 Corinthians together and God has revised so many things that I've left in the back of my mind, but have been so pivotal in my walk as a Christian. When Ben and I do bible study together we'll go chapter by chapter and talk about what stuck out to us and what it means to us. I spend a lot of our bible studies just talking, talking about everything with Ben just sitting there listening, nodding and (most of the time) agreeing. At first I thought that he didn't want to share and explain what it all meant to him, but it turns out that he simply likes me talking about the Word and how it impacts me... which leaves me feeling all gay and fuzzy inside ha. 

Here are the verses that stuck out to me from last nights bible study as well as an explanation of how it impacts me:

"Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulteress, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you. But you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus and by the Spirit of our God." 1 Corinthians 6:9-11

What I love about this passage is that Paul basically singles out everyone. No one (apart from Jesus Christ) is unrighteous. We all fall short and lie, cheat, steal etc. Some maybe more than others, some maybe more proudly than others, some maybe more secretive than others... but we are all victim to this. Prior to this passage Paul talks about how unfair it is for Christians to judge non-Christians for their sins and verse 11 ties it up wonderfully, "And such were some of you". How can we, as Christians, place judgement on people who haven't experienced the grace of God that we have experienced? How can we condemn people who don't know their worth in God? I believe in showcasing the love of Jesus Christ to people, period. It's so simple, easy and effective to just be that person that people know believes in them, encourages them and will be there for them, because we as Christians should be first to know what it's like to hit rock bottom and want to give up, and we as Christians should be the first to help out those who are struggling and straggling unsure of where to go in life.

"Flee sexual immorality. Every sin that a man does is outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body" 1 Corinthians 6:20

For a Christian person in a relationship to say that they don't struggle with temptation is a blatant liar. It's one of the first and most frequent areas in which you'll undergo a lot of struggle. I know a couple that have been together for a long time and haven't yet kissed, I'm not really sure why but if it's to steer clear of temptation I sincerely salute them. Anyway, the reason why this verse spoke out to me was because when you sin, you're generally hurting someone else e.g. lying to another person. But when you commit to a sexual sin (before marriage or not with your wife/husband) not only are you hurting someone else, but more importantly you're hurting yourself. Young Christians, be careful. If you ever come across a situation where you are tempted to compromise your purity RUN. And i mean RUN! Make a scene. Bolt out the door and scream if you have to. If you give Satan an inch, he'll take a whole yard. And you can never take it back, it's a scar that has the potential to hinder you later on in life.

"The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does." 1 Corinthians 7:4
What I love about this verse is that, from how I've interpreted it, it completely shutdowns any misogynist notions/ideologies people place against the bible. I don't believe God was a misogynist, nor do I believe that He created women to be unequal to men. He loves both men and women with the same unconditional love. Anyway, I love this verse because it is an example of how marriage is about partnership, not ownership. As is your relationship with God, it's a partnership (by His grace, honestly. How amazing is He!). Ben and I have been learning to be both dependent on God, each other and His word and it has been the most refreshing thing (for me personally) to surrender it to Him, because I know that there have been times where I knew that a lot of our relationship was in bad shape simply because we both weren't depending on God. But God is a restorer of lost things, and it is only now (7 months down the track!) that i feel like i'm in a God-centred relationship, a relationship that I can put my money on. One that will last.

"You were bought at a price; do not become slaves of men." 1 Corinthians 7:23
I thought this verse was so powerful and also confronting. Why? For me, it sort of shone a spotlight on all the areas of my character and identity that weren't Christ-centered. things that I hadn't/haven't surrendered to Him. And it sort of hit me... the size of the sacrifice God gave in order to redeem my life - His only sinless Son. It shattered me. It was like someone injected adrenalin straight into my heart. God picked me. He also picked you. And that last phrase of the sentence is sort of a challenge, "Do not become slaves of men", or rather "Do not sellout your integrity to please others", or "do not compromise your identity to please others"... why? You'll be the only one wearing the shackles and no one else in the world will care.

So those were the verses that spoke volumes to me on my second last bible study with Ben before he flew up to Brisbane to play at the Big Sound Music Festival! His time away has been really refreshing because it's allowed me to spend time with God in a way that's left me feeling more and more love for Ben.

Thanks for reading!

Fangirl

Let The Flames Begin (live) - Paramore

Driving home last night I decided to play their live show and then it led me to listen to them all day today, reminiscing about back in high school when i was so obsessed with this band. My hair was red, I sang with an American accent and I practiced everyday so that I would one day be better than Hayley Williams.

I actually owe a lot to her in regards to how my voice has grown. By attempting to emulate her I've gained a lot of power in my voice (a lot of which I've lost in my upper register because I haven't been practicing the past 5 months). Now I've grown up a little and I want to get more soulful and what not with my voice and the music I play.

I guess it will always be a dream to be in a rock band like Hayley Williams and be able to pump out my vocals night after night... I don't know. I sort of hate the band now that the Farro brothers have left... does this make me an ingenuine fan? Haha.

Needless to say, this live version of one of my favourite Paramore songs showcases a bit of why I was so freaking obsessed with them. Particularly the end part when Hayley actually uses some expressive techniques, lol.

The Partner in Crime

I was going to write a long post about my boyfriend, Ben, and I and how ghetto we are... but I lack the confidence to blogfully declare the nitty-gritty aspects of our relationship. To be completely, it's nobodies business but ours. Haha. Stay tuned though.

Like A Boss

Brendan Jacquet

For the past six months, I've been part of the live band for an up-and-coming solo artist named Brendan Jacquet. It's been a lot of fun to work with these guys (most of which were and have become some of my closest friends). We all insult each other, fight with one another and also support and encourage each other (when truly necessary).

I love going crazy on stage. I jump around, I accidentally pull necessary guitar leads out (note to joey: the further away you set up from me, the better haha), I clap and I dance. I don't even look around stage or stare needlessly at my boyfriend (to be honest, i never look at him during gigs, i'd most likely get distracted). I have three functions when i hit the stage the first being to sing my harmonies correctly,  be in sync with my fellow vocalist marissa and to be entertaining to look at, i.e. go crazy.

I look forward to the future of this act. Sure it can be really tough sometimes, and i can get in ruts where i don't believe in it anymore... like i should move on. But i have nothing else but a desk job waiting for me if all i'm looking for is financial security. It's a tough industry, and i'm beginning to learn how corrupt and rigged a lot of it is. It's really all about money, which is sad. I just hope i don't let my love for music be contaminated by those ideals.... *sigh such is life

Peanut's Baby Shower

 

I'm so happy for the Castro's! In a little over a month, their little bundle of joy, solely known to the world as "Peanut", will be joining the rest of us on planet Earth. I couldn't be more ecstatic for them. They've been waiting for Peanut for years! Monina's baby shower was simply BEAUTIFUL. Good food, good company and great decor! Everything had soul to it. Everything was adorable and quaint, i had a great time.

working out my wanderlust

 If you know me, you'd understand how much I love travelling and escaping the order of everyday life. I mean, there are times (like today) where my only heart's desire is to stay in my pajamas in my own bed and drink tea until the sun recedes and the stars start lighting up the sky. However, I do love a grand escape/adventure... especially with my best companions.

For me, traveling is like smoking a cigarette during a stressful day. It will never stop to be addictive. It is a guilty pleasure I allow myself to divulge in simply because it feels so good. Don't fret Mum & Dad, I am a non-smoker. Exploring is just so damn refreshing. You notice the little things that you forget make everyday beautiful. You meet people you'd never talk to in the everyday world and you do things that you wouldn't do otherwise.

Whether I'm staying at a friends place in the city for a couple of days, or I'm flying across states to another capital city. I love getting out and going on adventures.

(Pictures from top to bottom: Anzac Bridge, Sydney NSW; Cronulla Beach, NSW; Mid-flight to Queensland; Reading from my balcony onto Surfer's Paradise, Queensland)

A Day In The Life

John Mayer. A Solo Artist.

What I Do

 

  In the past year there has been an overflow of opportunities from bands and artists to sing for them.
I'm not quite ready to be a lead singer myself (unless I'm covering them). However it has been
a lot of fun to be part of the process of song writing, recording, press releases, single launch's
and showcases.

I feel very blessed to have been shoved all these opportunities in my face, and to have experienced

the things I have in the past year. As well as the memories I've created with some really awesome

people. It's all very excited and I can't wait for my career to progress and go further than it has,
even just as a back up singer.

Pine

I totally forget where we filmed the music video "The Light" by Belle And The Bone People. It was somewhere passed Peats Ridge, just before Newcastle. It is known as one of the few (perhaps the only) pine forest in NSW and it is spectacularly beautiful.

Note: I'm trying to revive this blog. Mostly for the personal benefit of reading about who i used to be and how i am. It's interesting (and hilarious) to look back at my ramblings. Additionally, I want a source for all the pictures/videos i take in one central location. I know i frequently alternate between my blogger and tumblr, but that's for myself to be the judge of as to whether or not I'm awesome. To which, i am.

UPDATE: 2012 So far

SO WHERE THE HELL HAVE I BEEN?

That's a mighty common question that frequents these parts of the blogging-stratosphere. Yes, yes. I believe so. I think it's only right, for the sake of humanity, that i type down all the new and wonderous things that have been going in my life thus far. However, the real question is where, or how do i even begin to describe all the details of my nineteen year old life?

I'll start first and foremost with quite possibly the most shocking new thing to occur to me to date. I am in a relationship... with a boy! The "Ana" from a few years ago probably would have convulsed at the thought that I am in possession of a man (named Ben Zamor) who has the ability and privilege to turn me into a sappy girl. A girl of which melts at the sight of button-up shirts and skinny ties and jeans when combined with sexy on-stage bass grooves and his winning smile. Thank God this is no longer a public blog, lest he discover how i truly feel about him. No, he knows that i really, truly and deeply like him and am eager to progress in this relationship. It's crazy to think that I am in one. I am still the immature little girl who cringes at PDA (public displays of affection) and is still completely ignorant of the land of relationships and what it entails. Who knew that my immaturity would score me a boyfriend. See! It pays to be a goof 99% of the time!

Another detail of my life is that I am reigniting my passion for loving God, loving people and serving God again. I don't intend to jump straight back into ministry, but it's like I am at the beginning of my walk again. Falling sincerely in love with God, and knowing full well the grace I am living under. It is amazing. It is refreshing. And it has come at a time when i really do need Him. Last year I was a rebellious prodigal daughter and I had become so bipolar with my identity that the healthiest option for myself and others was to step aside. I let a lot of people down. Looking back on it, it's unfortunate that I stepped down, however it has allowed me to grow in God solely and allow Him to fill me again. Not ministry, not the people i served or served with, just God. I am beginning to remember the satisfaction spending each day with Him was like and the desire to read His word and be inspired. Ah, I'm very excited.

My career is also taking off. Look i'm really tired and ....

2012

So, a lot of new things have been happening and i need somewhere to express myself. Hmm, i remember this place. This blogspot of mine. This sanctuary of secrets. The home of some of my deepest opinions and heartfelt ambitions.

I've changed. I'll admit to that. In the past year I've journeyed from one peak of who i was journeying to the next, with my current coordinates indicating that i'm in the in between. I'm trudging through a valley wadding my way down the river, i can see both peaks and i know what'd be like to climb them again, but i'm still deciding which one i should be, or if i can really keep up just sticking to the valley... not afraid of an rocks or boulders falling on me.

I'll admit. In regards to where i stand in my faith, i'm much more open-minded. And i like it like that. I know who i am in my faith, and i no longer want to be held back by religious preferences other people want me to adapt into my life. I don't think i could ever go back to that. A close friend of mine said that i was a progressive person, and that was a great compliment to me. I believe in moving forward, not to forget the past, but to acknowledge what once was and use that to guide the future.

I like someone. HAHA. I feel so sad and retarded because I'm so comfortable being a sarcastic ice queen who never ever-ever allows myself be vulnerable to the opposite sex. That's all I'll say on that topic, lest these words get out into the stratosphere. Even though I am for certain that this blog is private. Oh gosh.

What else do i have to share for my life? I think i'll leave it at that for now.

Oh i'm turning 19 in a few days, and i'm doing a gig that night for Brendan Jacquet should be good. :)

I NEED TO

GET OFF THE INTERNET

You've become a ridiculous addiction to which I set out to do great things like, get good grades, complete assignments and do things that actually need to be done. But i just can't seem to get myself off the blogging and social networking sites. I need someone to monitor me every time i use the internet. perhaps time me, then kick me off when necessary.

Well, now that i'm here, I may aswell update blogger on my life. Uni has been great (I am currently in the process of attaining a bachelor of music, in hopes to become a travelling performer until i reach a ripe old age and recede in teaching future generations the art of music). We're currently studying funk and soul and it's so different to doing rock. I think it's far more challenging. I can no longer get away with screaming and screeching angsty songs, but now i need to channel Aretha Franklin and James Brown and it's different because i can't help but feel like a comedian, what with my James Brown impersonation and all.

I love my uni friends. They are honestly awesome. I wish i spent more time with them, well i will considering it's only the second semester. So i guess, I hwill spend more time with them and we will have matching capes! I am currently on the upside of having a cold. My voice sounds slightly rough and scratchy, so i feel all sexy like Phoebe from Friends when she loses her voice. Although, not like Lindsay Funke from Arrested Development when she tries the dating game in her open marriage.

I'm not sure what else i can share tonight. I should probably do at least one aspect of homework, so i don't get in trouble tomorrow.

Good night blogger.

TUVWXYZ

I don't know if it's logical or influenced by some premature angst within me. I feel like i'm being pressured in certain areas of my life. Sugar-coatedly pushed around if you will. Maybe a little suppressed, but i don't know what i'm being suppressed from. Perhaps i'm going through an emotional hippy phase of trying to be my own self, liberated of the tags people try to place on me. Or could it be reason finally getting to me? Or the influence of secularity upon my sacred understanding of life. No, i'm not renouncing my faith. I don't know what it is. I need a large glass of clarity.

PET PEEVES:

• When people exhale their cigarette smoke in my face in their attempt to be aloof and not notice i am suffocating. And in general, when people smoke. I find it to be a really unattractive and gross habit.
• Long toe nails (finger nails are tolerable). I have a weird thing with feet. Feet are weird, full stop. Why make them even weirder with long toe nails? I have a friend who purposely grows his toenails for the pure reason to disgust me. And every time i see it, oh boy, i wish i hadn't.
• When people wake me up with a series of questions. My father loves to do this to me. He'll ask me a minimum of 5 questions every day, all of which i'm not even paying attention to, just giving yes or no answers so that he'll let me sleep in. Later on in the morning i'll find myself in trouble because my dad had asked me this and such and blah blah... but seriously, just don't examine me in the morning.
• When women use their brassieres as an extra storage compartment. Growing up in the western suburbs this is all i saw during high school. Girls who kept their phones in their bras. For most of the time, they didn't even try to conceal it, you would just see this huge brick of an implant protruding through their unbuttoned school shirt. I find it infuriating. Why carry around a hand bag with all your make up and magazines and the one pen, and yet not put your phone or lighter in it? your bra's are for your boobs. Keep it that way.

I just needed to share some of the things that really bother me, simply because that's how i roll.

something to live by,