Turning 20 was hard. I'm not going to lie, I cried multiple times in the midst of my boyfriend. The poor guy. On the morning of my birthday I cried to him because I was convicted and upset about my lack of integrity during something that occurred at my birthday party the night before. Then after he had finished work, I turned up to his house on the night of my birthday and started crying again for the same reason and also because I just felt like I haven't achieved anything yet. He had an evening planned for me but we ended up post-poning the whole thing. I remember feeling so disappointed in myself because as he tried to cheer me up by handing me a Nintendo 64 (twas so sweet of him), i was still sad and depressed. *sigh I have serious deep-seated issues. But don't worry, the night turned out all right in the end.
One truly grand thing that's been happening more frequently however are bible studies with Ben and also personal opportunities to SOAP. They truly are grand and I can see how God is beginning to work new things within me and slowly weed out the dirty habits and ideas that I let take root in my life the past year. As well as that, its helping me let go of a lot of hurt i still have buried under my skin. Whenever given the opportunity, we'll suggest a bible study. It generally occurs when we eat out at lunch, or when we're in a cafe enjoying the weather over a cup of coffee. I love it most when Ben shares what he thinks. He's told me himself that isn't very good at explaining things, or explaining how he feels, so i feel very privileged when we've read something and I'm not the only one talking haha.
Today we read Romans 8 together. It was so great and I was so refreshed by it! I highlighted so much, however, the most poignant for where I am right now would be Romans 8: 5-7 :-
"Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. Te mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God's law, nor can it do so."Why you ask? Well, for a while now I've become more and more vain, and more and more conscious and obsessive about my weight, my appearance etc. I've also become increasingly sensitive and fussy about what people say about what I wear, and also more fussy about the foods I eat. I've begun to tread the fine line, the harmonious balance between caring about my physical and spiritual health. Sometimes I get really anxious whenever I go out to eat because there are no healthy options, so I'll opt to eat nothing, or eat little. What also hasn't helped is hanging out with a group of dudes who view women in a manner that I feel is derogatory, superficial and as a means to satiate their lustful desires (i.e. they're not after sincere relationships, but just a good "bang"). I mean, I love these guys, but it depresses me that their mindset wont allow them to both wait for the right girl and/or appreciate women for how God designed them. I get so riled up when women are objectified. I truly do. Sometimes I just want to gather all women together and let them know how truly significant each and everyone one of them are. Man, so many thoughts are flying through my head. There are so many things in my life that need addressing. Okay, I better stop typing all this down before I let too much out.
I'll conclude it by letting you know, God's Word is so refreshing, and it's reviving me. God is moving. I know that's for sure, and my prayer is for change and revival in my life and relationships. I'm also hoping for revolution in my home life and in my mentalities. Yes. I know I'm messed up, but i know God is here.
Ana
