2010: In review

It's unusual to think that 2010 is just a day away from being over. In a sense, it's quite sad, so many things have happened, so many changes have been made, and i can't help but wonder if i have grown at all. if the things i've toiled and struggled with, cried over, fought over, prayed over and talked over really produced anything good out of it. i think they have.

losing friendships was possibly one of the biggest changes that has occurred in 2010. i'm not the kind of person to give up on people like i have this year, especially when i cared so much about them. and saying this, its kind of depressing and kind of selfish because i gave them up so that both parties would have an opportunity of seeing where we went wrong, so that we couldn't repeat it again in future. i wonder if losing them had any real benefit. hm... and in speaking on friendships, a lot of existing ones have strengthened, new ones formed and old ones were re-ignited.

the hsc was yet another giant i've successfully slain; getting into uni was another. i wouldn't really trade the stress, the studying and the teachers because i had ugly-bugly friends to share it all with. they really made going to school a lot easier. there'd be billions of days where i would abhor having to wake up and get to school, but the thought of laughing and punching on with them made me get up for school - even if i was going to be late and slaughtered by mr. gavin.

serving in the junior high ministry at YD (youth with a destiny) was another highlight. serving alongside leaders who had the same focus and heartbeat for these young hustlers was an additional blessing. i'm thankful to have grown a lot closer and given the opportunity to serve alongside them. all the while, seeing young highschoolers flourish and grow in their walks with God. And seeing young highschoolers go through all kinds of troubles and situations and come out of the other end more stronger, really tops it when i think about YD. nothing is more encouraging than this and it is something i really love about them. 

as for my family, we've become a lot more like a family this year. no, i'm not saying we're perfect now, we are far from perfect. but i'm confident to say that my relationships with my immediate family is simply, better than it has been in a very, very long time.

finally, i'm thankful for what God has done in my life. whether it involved getting a few spiritual slaps across the face in order to face my problems and the courage to step out of my comfort zone. and just how He has really carried me through everything. not a day goes by that i cannot think about how He gives me the strength and boldness to face things i really couldn't without Him.

So, 2010. You've been one rollercoaster and i'm excited to hop on board for the next lap in 2011. This time, i'll try not to vomit on the other patrons.

NEVER POSTED: Dear Condemning Christians,

from where i stand as a christian, one of the greatest failings i’ve witnessed from christians (from the past and to present day) is the misunderstanding of homosexuality and how it was and is sometimes abused and overshadowed by homophobia and ignorance. homosexuality isn’t a new thing, or a next level sin, it’s something that’s been discussed and dealt with for a really long time, it stemming to the old testament of the Bible (from as far as i’ve read).

yet still, why do homosexuals recieve such hate? why are some churches building cultures of fear where being honest would mean “almost certain rejection and ridicule”? Everyone is guilty of sin and no one has any authority to pin a person or reject a person just because they have chosen to live a certain way.

The only thing you could really say to a person (any person) is that you’re living in sin, why? because “i have sinned too”, because “i have walked in your shoes”, because “this is who i was, and this is who i am today because of Jesus”, because “i’m just as broken and messed up” not because you’re “holier-than-thou” or because you’re straight.

just let me get my message straight: GOD IS NOT A PERSECUTOR OF HOMOSEXUALS. If He were a persecutor of homosexuals, He would then be a persecutor of all our sins. we would all be condemning and picketing against each other for thinking lustful thoughts about your crush, for wearing your sister’s favourite shirt without asking, for not doing the dishes for your parents etc etc… and the world would be a really weird place. if that’s how God was, i wouldn’t want to believe in Him. but that’s not who He is, and this is not what Jesus teaches. The bible is not homophobic.

What are Christians supposed to do then? Well i’m going to live out Jesus’ gospel, not by shoving his Word down peoples’ throats and bible bashing others to see my veiw, but by bearing that same Love He shared for everyone (the homosexuals, the murderers, the adulterers, the liars - there are no exceptions for Jesus). He died and rose again for a specific reason and hate isn’t one of them. I know, i've only begun the work that God wants me to do through my friends. It's a scary thing to do, to challenge your friendships, not because of being religiously blind, but because of the genuine love you have for them. to see them understand that unconditional love God has for them.

[POST-SCRIPT]: Read Leviticus 18, Read 1 Corinthians 6:9-11.
A lot of what i learnt on this topic came from a book titled “what some of you were” which was edited by Christopher Keane. it’s pretty much different stories of people who are christian and have struggled or are struggling with homosexuality and transsexuality (or are family members of those who are). it's a great book.

digital dissatisfaction

i'm getting sick of my other blog site, tumblr. which is why i guess i'm typing here. i used to be the kind of person who wanted followers, who cared about delivering things my followers would like. but then i realised that i was being superficial and i wasn't doing, writing, posting things that i wanted to post. i became a slave to the race for popularity, for digital affirmation; by doing so, i plagiarised the works of others and robbed myself of not caring about what i wanted to post. i became a mirror of what is experienced in contemporary society. how we'll try and we'll change to be noticed. only to find ourselves in an eighties teen flick where the protagonist realises she/he just needs to be herself.

and it's not just something i've noticed about myself. but its something i've noticed with the blogs that i follow and stalk. i've picked up on how their blogs used to contain things about their lives, their struggles, their stories and their own work. things that i want to read, but things that we think others don't care about. i've got friends masquerading themselves with "hipster" images and photographs they don't have the creativity and/or determination to create themselves. and there's nothing wrong with that. however, i can't help but think, "is this really them?" "are they faking out just to gain more followers?".

now you see, i would've and should've posted this on my other blog. alas, i don't have the balls to. "what if they get offended?" "what if they think its directly about them?". oh anonymity. why did you have to turn into a troll? it was a lot easier when tumblr wasn't tainted.

GRAD FORMAL 2010

the sequence is actually back to front. but oh well, it was an amazing night that will be hard to sleep off.

#PURPOSED

this weekend has been awesome. i won't say much about it here because i've already journalled what went down. all i want to say is KUDOS to the leadership team, when we are united and whole-hearted in serving our God and yd. boy, does God do wonders in the lives of the young people. seriously, i didn't think i'd get the internal slap-in-the-face that i received - my jeremiah moment.
and as eunice, a young J12 girl, said "who knew that the smallest thing, like your attitude, could play a massive part in something". so i guess, with the weeks to come, i've got to have an attitude and aptitude for study.

Graduation = DONE

Yeah, i graduated last week. my photographer of a friend was the photographer and his photos are clearly better than mine.

didn't know that i get fierce when i sing. the second one is just for ally :)

graduating high school is more than we all think

so, if you're frequent in updating yourself on my blogger shenanigans, it is clear and you'd understand the things i've been experienced the past week. but its in the past, and that's where i'll leave it. however, somewhat understand the contextualities of this post goes hand-in-hand with what i've been going through in my friendships.

He's been teaching me a lot about friendships, problems and pain. I guess, one of the hardest struggles is, amongst all that, am i kneeling before the King and offering it to Him? Am i yielding myself, worshipping Him with complete disregard of my dignity, of my appearance but having my heart set and intent on encountering Him on a measure i never have before.

Problems and issues, although you seek Him in the midst of it, can be so distracting in actually encountering God. I've just realised that, sometimes we more so seek Him for the sole purpose of finding solutions, rather than the sole heartbeat of a desire to just worship Him for all He is, disregarding the fact that you've got issues in your life. What an interesting revelation. What an interesting way to twist and re-conceptualise how and why we worship. well, not really, but it sounds fresh to me in those words.

Attached to this blog are images of the remnants of the our "group" (somewhat, with one of two figures missing). Yeah, we had a split. And it was hard for me, and the other side will probably never understand it from my point-of-veiw. it was a hurtful thing to do, but i know it was right and i appreciate those who are sticking around, sticking for life. that's how we veiw it now. we just don't want friends who cheat on our emotions etc, we want life friends, friends we can struggle through life with, friends that will fight and bicker but for a purpose only to build each other up and resolutions in situations that do arise.

i'm exuberantly thankful for the experiences i've had with people from all different types of ideals, morals and goals. i have never been so challenged by a group of people in my faith. its been through my friendships with these guys that i've abandoned the hindsight of religion, but rather opened my eyes to what this place is really about, Jesus says its about love. Sharing it, living it, giving it, sacrificing it, understanding it. And i agree.

GRADUATION = DONE

which means the 3 preceding posts are now somewhat useless. high school dramas are now non-existent

you sunk my battleship ii

thank you for the spite. thank you for making this harder. it'll be over soon and i don't plan on being rude to you while we're all still around.

you sunk my battleship

i don't think they fully understand. this was never done out of spite, we didn't have an ounce of revenge, we never sought to have you destroyed. it was just a decision made for the better. and i can understand how we may come off looking like pigs. we may look selfish. we may look pretentious. however, let it be known, this is hard for me to. it's hard because i have made this journey with you, but all it has led to is a dead end. what fruit could we bare from one another when all we face is pride, selfishness and arrogance? don't think i never cared. i care. i still care. And its difficult for it to be this way and i have to keep reminding myself its for the better.

letting go,
ana

friendships like battleships

there's no civil way in ending a friendship. sometimes, a ship will sink.

there's no words that can articulate or express how i feel. no, i'm not the victim, but we came to a decision that it was time to prune ourselves and detach ourselves from the source of our pain and troubles. we detached a friend.
sounds horrible right? it was and it still is. we didn't want to fight, we didn't want to make accusations, we were done with drama. we, for once, wanted to rest in a peace and assurance that we weren't stepping on anyone's toes. but to achieve this, we had to make the ultimate step.
despite the fact that i feel like i've murdered someone. i can't help but reflect on how much pain i've been through. how much i've learnt of what was really beneath the surface and how much that hurt me. how much it is necessary to do this. i feel convicted and i know this is for the better. this is for growth.

when men & women get their hands on religion, one of the first things they often do is turn it into an instrument for controlling others, either putting or keeping them "in their place." the history of such religious manipulation and coercion is long and tedious

i really appreciate having opened my bible today. man oh man. i am as naive as a hungry ham. i've completely forgotten just how much i need the God's word. i've been so conscious of not appearing religious to my friends that i, as a whole, ignored that inner conviction that it's by God's grace, mercy + word that assists in my daily functioning. (i'm probably being slightly melodramatic, i'm not backsliding, i'm just giving myself a need kick up the back side).

i've also been feeling lonely. i need to surround myself with people that build me up again, i guess that's why i love summer. it's when those people are free and we are able to travel and seize all moments. yep. i've got to remember that i need to balance myself. you are the company you keep, after all.

hm. note to self: season of substance
[post-script]: just after i clicked "publish post" i looked down at my bible and read the introduction of hebrews, it sort of answered my thoughts for me:

it seems odd to have to say so, but too much religion is a bad thing. we can't get too much of God, can't get too much faith + obedience, can't get too much love + worship. But religion - the well-intentioned efforts we make to "get it all together" for God - can very well get in the way of what God is doing for us. the main and central action is everywhere and always what God has done, is doing, and will do for us. Jesus is the revelation of that action...

Romans 8:37-39

³⁷ Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. ³⁸ For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, ³⁹nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. [NKJV]

it's time to 'up':

this morning i didn't go to church. to compensate i listened to a podcast from passion city church titled "We Are: The Light of the World". Long story short, it's challenged me as a christian, in the sense that, am i in this world making a difference? or am i just of this world, feeling as insignificant as the enemy wants me to feel. "yes, yes ana. we've heard you talk about this story before". Yeah i know, but i thought it was incredibly timely for this season i'm going through.

God has really been nudging the importance prayer has in our walks and roles as christians. after all, 
"For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places." Ephesians 6: 12 [NKJV]. Jesus' life completely emulates this. He was born in a stable, His best friends that he served with were fishermen, tax officers - one even betrayed him. He hung out with prostitutes and the rejected folk of society, because they were morally disgusting. He then gave His life away, after forgiving the men who whipped him, spat on him and look down on him - dying like a criminal. I don't think Jesus at any point, lifted a finger of judgement during his lifetime all those years ago.


what can we learn from this? what ever happened to grace and mercy? when did we christians begin having that stereotype of being segregated from the world? when did it become a 'here we go again' when we see some (silly) ones picketing at places? we cannot attack people for things they devoid of. we can't physically fight for God's love to reach them, see how ironic that is?


the biggest impact i could ever make was understanding the circumstances of people and prayer. if we could humble ourselves and develop that crazy love for people. if we could look outwards towards God who'll direct our veiw in the world, instead of us internally or as just amongst other christians - think of the kind of place our little worlds and communities would be.

everyone goes through different degrees of pain and suffering. everyone wants to be valued and loved. everyone wants forgiveness and redemption in certain aspects of their lives. all God really wants me to do, is share the love that Christ has for them, the same love He has for me. The love that liberates me from the chains i bind myself in. Gosh, how could i ever abuse this capacity of grace?

appealing for the aesthetically hip,

last night/this morning was one of my close friend's epic 18th birthday party. every aspect was pretty much perfect. the setting, the array of faerie lights, jars of candles lighting up the pathway, floating candles in the pool, red-american plastic cups, 'the village people' head gear and of course people i was chillin' with, i was either extravagantly close or on good terms with. so all in all, i had an absolute blast.

deen + i regained our energy through a pit-stop at subway then trekked home discussing the many events that transpired, like emma getting pushed into the pool, the cult-like chanting of the men by the bon fire, and the billions of new jokes that were invented.

above is our "indie" spot, we hung out by the pool, because we're too cool for the peasants. i think it's safe to say, that jodi and i in our 'caterpillar project', aimed at becoming more hip and such is starting to work and we're reaping the benefits. mm, let's hope these indie kids don't reap long term repercussions.

+++

to do:

• get my lomo film developed
• put the negatives on a disc
• finish my art major
• love people more
• pray more
• clean my room
• read my bible (for once)
• step up
• be awesome
• save $$
• get p's

okay, so i'm a tad obsessed with weddings

taken via brandon chesbro

yes, i can't resist a good wedding. i love going to weddings that are immensely sentimental, more so than traditional. which is how i guess traditions are set in place because of the preceding sentiment. but yes, i love seeing couples do different things with their weddings. not with the precept that they must be different, but because it must be sentimental and special to them to celebrate their bond and unity under one body. i'd publish things i'd want for the day of my wedding, if i am to ever get married, but that's sad. considering, i'm only 17.

NEVER POSTED: and we've got time on our hands

february 15th, 2010 • 8:59pm
yeah so: it all boils down to this. are you going to sink or swim? are you going to let go or hold on? it all comes down to your decision at the end of the day.
does this feeling of betrayal justify the escalation of events? does your presumed thoughts of one another seem relevant to be waved around, paraded as their weaknesses.
i for one, am glad to not be consumed, to be masked in a facade that dictates me to act otherwise.

NEVER POSTED:

march 17th, 2010 • 10:57pm
it's been a while since the days i would sit down and write an actual update or blog of the happenings. you, my dear followers, observe mere sparse explosions of blubber that i post.

2010, how can i define it? i think that this year is about relationships. we've certainly experienced more hardship in our friendships than ever before. they're no longer as petty and meaningless when we were young, we're all being politicians about it to be honest.

but despite all the trials and tribulations we always make it through the storm, because we are legit friends. not the kind you're just willing to drop, but we're all holding on to each other. And to be sappy about it, it's pretty inspirational. why? we have the willpower to force the preceding year 12 to sit on the other side of the courtyard, and we've also disciplined the year 11's to sit at that certain table and not the other. hand on, we're not just friends, we're a family ... heck i'll say it, we're a tribe. a group of leaders (literally, school captain, src students, sport captains etc).

we semi-fear life after school, i was talking to my friend about my experiences with hanging around with the CYK and how it's like practice for life, considering we're all so different and contrasting, and he said 'dude, that is life, that's it right there'. so i greatly appreciate how we live harmoniously together with all our own values, perceptions and meanings to life... even when we question each other, we all weren't spoon fed with what we believe, we can all give each other valid answers make us cool kids.

NEVER POSTED: vent: broke

July 12th, 2010 • 12:15am

what have we become?

we've become a needy group of children whose perceptions of what's important in our lives have been twisted and swayed by the supposed conventions of young society told to us through the television, showed to us by those magazines, reinterpreted through those hollywood love stories.

this particular rant is about young teenagers and their continual lusts for one another.

instead enjoying our youth, being kids, chillin' because its the right thing to do, we've got this understanding embedded within our brains that we have to be in a 'committed relationship', that we do in fact need a boy-toy, that strong, designer wearing guy who can 'hold me in his arms and never let go', that finding that guy to 'love' and to hold is the most essential aspect of being a teenager... when its not. do we even know what it means to be committed?

why do we think we know what we want? why do we order a hot chips, look at our bulging guts, and then wish we got the salad? do some of us even have a gut?

are teenagers more lonely these days? then make some friends. where's the comfort in forging a relationship on the precept that he's hot, hence you think he's cute, therefore he's perfect boyfriend material. why do some of us do it for the sake of social status?

why do we assume its love when you met him/her 2 minutes ago? why do girls allow themselves to be subconsciously prostituted from boy to boy, trying to find that substitute for her inadequacy to be content with what she's got and who she is as an individual. however, instead they let themselves be hurt, again and again.

why can't we stand on our own two feet as an individual? why do some of us want to have our identity attached to somebody else's.

i'm sorry. i'm sorry. but it legitimately breaks my heart to see young teenagers waste their golden years on temporary and fading things. losing sight of the extraordinary greatness that they each behold. the fact that they could change the world... if they stopped looking at the mirror.

i may be old school, dryly conservative, subconsciously judgemental, rude, obtrusive, out of context or what-have-you. but eh. i'm only like this because i care. 

season of substance:

so, this blog is no longer "me, facing giants". why? because i can always lie or cover up or blow up the giants i face in my life. it's now a continual season of substance, which was supposed to be a short period of time, but why should i limit my integrity and the development of personal revelation etc? that's something a superficial man would do. but i am no longer appealed to the surface wonderings of the human condition. we all suffer different levels extremities of pain and chaos.

in my first step forward, here is my first of my 'drafted' posts i never got to click 'publish' with from my tumblr. i'll try and date it, but my goodness, this stuff is so timely for the things i'm experiencing right now. i love how your past can scream back at you telling you to wake up and what not. i'm awesome.

july 12 2010

miscommunication

don't you just hate it when the things you say, especially online, are miscommunicated?

my comrades and myself were getting to the bottom of an issue that's been hanging around for a couple of months. upon drawing a conclusion to the issue, i said some things that were heavily miscommunicated. and i mean heavily.

instead of coming across as sarcastic, funny and stupid. my words were misread and i was portrayed as arrogant, rude and demeaning. after being confronted i left the conversation because i was done with it and i didn't want to face any added drama. 

my friend pointed it out to me, saying that i say i'm confronting but when i face confrontation i cower. and even though the things she said hurt and weren't the whole truth it reminded me of the person i'm supposed to be. the person that God wants me to be. and its not that idiot, annoying, inconsiderate fool that i'm sometimes branded. but hopefully, one day, i can be remembered as a person who had substance. substance in the way i handle my relationships, substance in the things i focus my life on, substance in the things i love, substance in every plausible manner.  and even though i didn't want to face that confrontation, it was mainly because i value my friendships and i'd rather avoid issues that are unnecessary and can still cause considerable harm. which it kind of did. but i've passed the issue, i just wanted someone to tell this to. because you always listen.

boy, am i glad to have a blogspot.

cameron's 18th

Twas a surprise party. i was surprised that no one told him about the surprise or that he didn't find out about the surprise! well, c'mon its cameron. haha. here are some highlights:

best photo i've been in in a while. haha. left to right: lindsay, myself, cameron, deen + emma

:)

yes yan. that is your dslr.

oh gee darn.

a song reminded me of what i was doing. a song, with its beautiful orchestral glory and awesome, slapped me on the face. i paused, and let it slap me again. what have i done?

its funny. when you make all these guarantees, commitments and promises. when you preach all these ideals and aspects but sometimes, can't even live it out. now, now kids. i haven't turned to drug dealin', like some of the cool kids seem to be doing these days.

why am i not studying as hard as i used to? i mean, why do i feel i know it all? why aren't i freaking out? why am i sitting back chillin' not insanely concerned about the great educational injustice that is about to take place next week. worst of all, i've pushed away, disregarded and made irrelevancy to the One who brought me all together.

God, i've been avoiding You. i'm making up poor excuses thinking that its to bring you glory. but am i? am i truly living with my heart set aflame to love like you did, to pursue the things you've laid out? i need to stop being that part-time religious girl, which is everything i don't want to be. my heart is hassled by the thought that i'm only 'holy' when i'm supposed to be 'holy'. *sigh tis a shame. i feel like a sham. i don't want to be that girl, "she doesn't even go here".

i need to die, a living death.

i want to marry this guy:

well, figuratively.

Andreas Wijk

we share ideals on how we'd like to organise our things.

his style is increasingly awesome, he constributes a to a fashion blog 

☞ click here ☜

he sings + can play instrument at the same time ;). did i also mention that he listens to jimmy needham?

he's won me over.

you me at six

i love to read and look at images of bands when on tour. and not just the professional photography but the things they take themselves, its such an interesting way to veiw their lifestyles, i mean, it couldn't be done in the past without actually being present there.
here's a few awesome shots i've taken from josh's blog (singer of you met at six)

Yosemite like you haven't seen it

day old blues

i lied, these are not day old blues (kings of leon). i guess the only things i can complain about is the fact that tomorrow i embark on the first day of the last term of school. it's depressing because 01. i need a longer break, 02. i love school, 03. i hate the hsc. i don't need to try, considering the uni i aspire to doesn't judge on UAI or the HSC. but, i feel obliged to do as well as i possibly can because 01. to have my teachers proud of me, 02. have my parents proud of me, 03. to absolutely thrash my brother's results.

i can already hear the flames as i stand at the gates of this metaphorical sheol. some of the previous burns victims that we call ex-year 12 students, are still standing, others burnt to the crisp wishing they had handled it better. typing this now, i'm realising that i really don't care, i'm not fussed. i know that even if this opportunity fails me, there'll be more.

but back to my psychic predictions of me being stressed, here's my plan:

this is where anyone, you, myself will have to take me when i get in over my head. actually, apply this to life, okay?

cross your heart, hope to die. do it...

in other news, my desk. why do i subsist to posting pictures of my desk? i've realised, that you'll know how i am, by the state of my desk. so if i haven't told you what's up, which is highly unlikely, break into my house and examine my desk.

+ clockwise: new 'punkt' visualizer on itunes - listening to my '01. in the sun' playlist; mrs. gorbachev (donning the tag b. wrapped around my dress) not only guards my coins but the texts i have to read for school and xavier wearing my new and broken necklace.

huzzah for the hurt

you know that confidence i had in my relationships? yeah, thats gone. but He keeps telling me to shrug it off, that it comes and goes. you know? not to take it to heart, that's difficult, seeing as, i made myself vulnerable... too vulnerable.

art-fart-cart-start-smart-art

was at school today, yes, during the school holidays, and was working on my major for visual arts. heres a few images of my day. all in all, it was fun, nick and i (pictured above) spent most of our time in the dark room experimenting with our SLRs. i'm currently going through a fish-eye + vintage photograph phase. and as i have yet to develop the film from my diana, nor in possession of a fish-eye lens.. this has been adobically manipulated.

my work station. oh yeah. snacks, subway smoothie. mac. itunes. thats how i operate.

the new pimpin' chairs. my teacher customised the stools as they were bitterly cold during the winter. she also added cushioning to some of them.

some of the girls at work. that red chair on the left is a vintage barber shop find my teachers found. i don't know how they find such cool things.

[edit]: just realised i didn't 'fish-eye' that last image. oh wells.

i'd like to do some kinetics with this one.
doesn't even look like i did anything. but eh. figure it out for yourself.

i do not deny, this was heavily inspired by the works at hillsong conference 2010. haha.

vlad

it ain't negligence. i be at school chillin'

what a pointless post.

(in a clockwise direction)

maccabee chillin' as i read through two spanish historical books on the spanish civil war, oh yeah, getting in touch with my heritage, for the sake of extension history. so far, from the book on the left, i've learnt that spanish people are angry people. as a spanish person, and daughter of a spanish man, i totally agree. i'm angry. :P

my assessments door. behind my the door into my haven is what drags me down (kidding, school is amazing), those aren't even all of my assessments, i really need to find my other assessment sheets or i'm screwed :S

oh dear, i'm beginning to freak out!

and mrs. gorbachev. my babushka money holder. she is my financier and keeper of my precious precious rubles.

mm. i'm thirsty. 

maccabee

yup, i put a label on my mac. just so you know. thanks to the artistical mind of angelo \m/,
haters gonna hate. but i like it, although it's having difficulties sticking down :(

oh well, today is the first day where i actually have nothing to do (other than my studies). i think my brain was overwhelmed by that and gave me a nightmare due to it.

it was quite freaky. a bunch of students and i were trapped in the music labs by a student teacher, he looked like a younger version of the murderer from 'the lovely bones'. we were trapped for ages, and every time i tried getting out, no one would help and even though i had the key to get out they'd drag me back before reaching the door, i guess they didn't want to get in trouble. it was so annoying.

i eventually got out (with force) and found my two friends, it was after school. my two friends and i were running for refuge because clearly i was being followed by the student teacher in his chat yellow car. we got to my friends house and were looking for a good place for me to hide, because as we turned into her street, the teacher drove past and noticed us.

i couldn't find a sufficient place to hide, i kept thinking of going in the manhole, but i had a dream within my dream of a man falling through, so i didn't. looking out the back window of the house we saw the teacher pull up to the house across the street, it was unfortunately his, cowering behind the window pane we saw that he had put on a disguise as a girl in my grade and was staring at us, she then flicked a massive rubber band at the window, which freaked us all out, signifying that he knew where i was. i called the police and at first i didn't dial right. i dialled again and was chatting to a woman and they said they were going to send a police car to survey the area, but before i could give the number plate of the car and everything, my phone line was cut.

i ran to lock the front door, it had about a lot locks on it. but as i opened the door in order to lock the fly-screen door, i saw an old man staring some distance away from the door, i immediately knew it was the teacher and as i tried to slam the front door he eventually fought through and obviously got to me. i then blacked out to my next part of the dream, where i woke up in my same friends house and he was suddenly gone. i don't know what he did or what he wanted, i'll assume it was rape, but as i looked over at his house, he was gone and a 'for sale' sign was up.

the scene then changed and it was a conversation between two police officers talking about how a lot of calls from that area have discussed my same scenario but they couldn't act on the calls because the line would always cut out.. it didn't go further though.

then i found myself at another school, don't know why, but as i walked into their music classroom i found none other than that student teacher leading it. i was shocked and tried to do something about it but he denied everything and just smiled away... then i woke up.

i found that incredibly freaky. *sigh i hate nightmares

YES!

buying this from urban outfitters :F

XXIV

it's so liberating to conquer mountains, especially mathematical ones. in other news, i've completely thought out what i'm going to do with this life (however, upon typing such a reflection my mind is beginning to think otherwise, oh how these convictions grapple me).

if i never make it in a band or as a performer or something in the musical field. in all my attempts to save teaching music for when i'm old and wrinkling with chronic arthritis... i'll be living somewhere else, or touring as a band manager. oh yes. it's the next best thing from performing, but i don't have to perform.

mind you, i've been suffering a sever chronic ailment fearing and observing how rigid and the demise of my vocal chords. i'm coming close to concluding that i'm an alto (a low singin' female pretty much). i don't really know how to sing like me, what genre i sound best for, the who's the what's the whens. it's all so trivial.

however, after talking to my visual arts teacher, and seeing how passionate she was about art. i came to the conclusion that indeed i am passionate for music (nonetheless, please do not let that allow you to assume i am less passionate for Christ, oh hecks no). but indeed, music is my secular life force.

and if man has tailored me for something other than rock. i'm sorry, but it's a disease and is in my blood. i'm forever going to rock. rock on.