I NEED TO

GET OFF THE INTERNET

You've become a ridiculous addiction to which I set out to do great things like, get good grades, complete assignments and do things that actually need to be done. But i just can't seem to get myself off the blogging and social networking sites. I need someone to monitor me every time i use the internet. perhaps time me, then kick me off when necessary.

Well, now that i'm here, I may aswell update blogger on my life. Uni has been great (I am currently in the process of attaining a bachelor of music, in hopes to become a travelling performer until i reach a ripe old age and recede in teaching future generations the art of music). We're currently studying funk and soul and it's so different to doing rock. I think it's far more challenging. I can no longer get away with screaming and screeching angsty songs, but now i need to channel Aretha Franklin and James Brown and it's different because i can't help but feel like a comedian, what with my James Brown impersonation and all.

I love my uni friends. They are honestly awesome. I wish i spent more time with them, well i will considering it's only the second semester. So i guess, I hwill spend more time with them and we will have matching capes! I am currently on the upside of having a cold. My voice sounds slightly rough and scratchy, so i feel all sexy like Phoebe from Friends when she loses her voice. Although, not like Lindsay Funke from Arrested Development when she tries the dating game in her open marriage.

I'm not sure what else i can share tonight. I should probably do at least one aspect of homework, so i don't get in trouble tomorrow.

Good night blogger.

TUVWXYZ

I don't know if it's logical or influenced by some premature angst within me. I feel like i'm being pressured in certain areas of my life. Sugar-coatedly pushed around if you will. Maybe a little suppressed, but i don't know what i'm being suppressed from. Perhaps i'm going through an emotional hippy phase of trying to be my own self, liberated of the tags people try to place on me. Or could it be reason finally getting to me? Or the influence of secularity upon my sacred understanding of life. No, i'm not renouncing my faith. I don't know what it is. I need a large glass of clarity.

PET PEEVES:

• When people exhale their cigarette smoke in my face in their attempt to be aloof and not notice i am suffocating. And in general, when people smoke. I find it to be a really unattractive and gross habit.
• Long toe nails (finger nails are tolerable). I have a weird thing with feet. Feet are weird, full stop. Why make them even weirder with long toe nails? I have a friend who purposely grows his toenails for the pure reason to disgust me. And every time i see it, oh boy, i wish i hadn't.
• When people wake me up with a series of questions. My father loves to do this to me. He'll ask me a minimum of 5 questions every day, all of which i'm not even paying attention to, just giving yes or no answers so that he'll let me sleep in. Later on in the morning i'll find myself in trouble because my dad had asked me this and such and blah blah... but seriously, just don't examine me in the morning.
• When women use their brassieres as an extra storage compartment. Growing up in the western suburbs this is all i saw during high school. Girls who kept their phones in their bras. For most of the time, they didn't even try to conceal it, you would just see this huge brick of an implant protruding through their unbuttoned school shirt. I find it infuriating. Why carry around a hand bag with all your make up and magazines and the one pen, and yet not put your phone or lighter in it? your bra's are for your boobs. Keep it that way.

I just needed to share some of the things that really bother me, simply because that's how i roll.

something to live by,

The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral, begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. Instead of diminishing evil, it multiplies it. Through violence you may murder the liar, but you cannot murder the lie, nor establish the truth. Through violence you may murder the hater, but you do not murder hate. In fact, violence merely increases hate. So it goes. Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.

- Martin Luther King, Jr. (1967)

hello? is this thing on?

i realise  that i haven't blogged here in so long, or which such depth in a really long time. Now that i think about it, it's been a long time since i've put myself under the microscope to figure out what i've been been running on. What it is that really consumes me. What it is that i challenging me, moving me.

My greatest frailty is my notion to underestimate people. I always underestimate people. No matter how close to me, or how distant. I don't know what it is. Whether it's this pompous attitude i have about me (that needs to go), my independent attitude (yet secret need for companionship) or a fear of being let down. I always underestimate people, and through that, they always get the best of me and their actions always take me by surprise one way or another.

A once intimate friend, which i haven't spoken to in months due to a falling out, came back into my life today. And it wasn't me who initiated it. I wasn't upset that i hadn't been the one to take initiative. I was disappointed that i had held the idea that this person was altogether bad. A mean spirited, spiteful person that I never needed again. And i was  wrong. I was wrong to have put up these signs around me to ensure that i never missed them or had the faintest desire to need them. The truth is, those very signs i put up became the model i was slowly becoming.

I always feel guilty. Guilty for allowing myself to fall into a pit or demeaning judgmental ideas that i've dug myself, based on prejudices i allow myself to believe. And i don't want to be that person. No thanks. That kind of person isn't just, loving, merciful, caring, considerate or forgiving. That person isn't Christ. And He is the kind of person i want to be like.

I've got a lot to do in the coming two week break i have from uni. A lot.

Why I'm happy being single,

February, being the month of love, got me thinking about relationships (Cue sappy '80s ballad). Haha, not really. Actually, it's more so made me vomit in my mouth at some of my closest friends being sappy with their significant others. Sometimes I question why I'm not with anyone. Am I not pretty? Is the opposite sex just as superficial as I expected? Is it because of _______? Does it have to do with ______? Really, I'd go around in circles questioning my very identity, my character and getting as superficial as judging my appearance and my social status questioning why in the world at eighteen years of age I've never had a boyfriend.

For a lot of my teenage years, I was bombarded by my circle of friends (whom were in possession of two lists: the first, a list of those they have liked, the second one of those who liked them, with the occasion of certain ones overlapping each other and sometimes flourishing in relationships) with queries of who I liked. I would usually mask all those questions I'd ask myself above with "I don't like anyone" and/or "Boys are ew", with which they would respond with "Oh my, imagine the day Vicki starts liking a boy- Wait! The day Vicki gets a boyfriend. Then she'll understand!". Occasionally, I'd let them know if I've liked someone and they'd coo and giggle at me finally becoming a teenage girl, they'll make obvious hints that'll make me shrivel up, turn socially awkward and wish I were a nun or something. I would get frustrated and annoyed at myself. I took having crushes as a sign of weakness or vulnerability. I thought that having a crush was just a period I had before I became a really good friends with a guy, because I was so desperate for whoever would be genuine towards me and I didn't want to jeopardise a good friend over dumb feelings. I thought that having a boyfriend would validate me being a teenager. That it would reveal a world I've been missing out on simply because I wasn't dating. That it would bring perfection and ease to a seemingly complicated (aka. overrated) life.

So, with all this in mind. Looking back at the immature girl I was, I can safely say I'm perfectly content with remaining single. Please don't think that I'm some bitter feminist who finds relationships to be an ancient and misogynist work of the male sex whom are trying to suppress us with supposed 'love'. And please don't think that i'm hating on young people who are in relationships. No, I'm just a young adult who personally thinks that there are greater things to do with my youth than be concerned with a relationship that has a 50% of making it to the end (aka. marriage). I wont be settling anytime soon. I wont be slowing down. I wont be eagerly waiting for a Prince Charming type to sweep me off my feet and carry me (with difficulty) back to his castle where we will live a beautiful and mediocre life together. Oh no, I have dreams of getting myself dirty with the sweat and heartache of helping those in need; of getting people out of physical, emotional and spiritual poverty; rescuing those who are terrorised; of raising awareness of the suffering happening in the world (i don't even know a quarter of it). I want to get out of my comfort zone and use my talents and knowledge to educate and accelerate the disadvantaged into places that are so farfetched to them, like an education or a home. Most of all, I want to show these people what love is. That love is not simply defined by the intimacy of two people. I am not seeking to be thrillingly passionate about some guy, but compassionate for the down trodden and fervently passionate for my Saviour, Christ Jesus. That is why, I'm happy being single.

[Post-script]: I'm not rejecting the idea of a loving relationship between two people. Perhaps in the midst of living out of my comfort zone will I meet/find somebody. However, I'm simply not setting up expectations that I will or that it's imperative to live purposefully and satisfactorily with a boyfriend. In a nutshell, I'm not looking. Haha.

Anxiety and her other Allies

I think i know why i've been so excruciatingly sick lately. Anxiety. Wow, i never pictured myself being scared or anxious about starting college but now that i think about it. I'll admit it, i've been having a bit of those anxious moments of fear when you realise just how big that mountain (of tertiary education) you have to trek is and not to mention my continuing worry of really important friends i've lost in commencing this new season of my life. I tried to be tough about it and say that i'm ready to move on. But, my body has been telling me that no, i haven't. That i still care for them, i still want to talk to them. However, there is a large barrier of misconducted actions and mistakes between us. I cannot find peace with them or myself. And because of this stress and anxiety, that's why i couldn't beat the cold (which i got in the middle of summer) and that's why i contracted Conjunctivitis. It was stress induced, what a little hustler!

Although, you wont be catching me sulking around any longer. God is greater, stronger and bigger and i'm looking to Him for strength and the physical and spiritual oxygen to be able to stand strong. I need some fresh air.

Europe

After I've completed my Bachelor of Music and saved up enough cash, my sister-friend Jee and I plan on heading to Europe and the USA to discover the wonders that is those mysterious lands. I am very excited to go to Europe, it's a land I come from and love for it's tradition, architecture, illustrious history and many cultures.

YD 2011

Angie did such an awesome job with this video! She's raised the bar as to what's in store for YD creatively. Gah, can't wait :)

YD: Launch 2011

The YD: Launch for 2011 was seriously an unbelievable night. It was so amazing to see J12, Junior High, Senior High and Young Adults come together for one purpose and one cause. To not only fellowship with one another but to continue to learn more about Jesus, our Saviour King and friend. The message was a revelation to my ears. I always forget that God is not only my master but foremost, He made Himself my friend. There are times when i'd serve for the sake of it or for the reason that doing this will score me faith points or whatever else it is that'll make me feel like a better Christian. There are times when i'd be frustrated that i have to serve God. However, the message of this particular night was totally different. What are the kinds of things we'd do for friends? Practically anything. We sacrifice, we set time, we forgive, we comply ... We pretty much do anything for our true friends. And Jesus said it himself, He is our friend. So, if I were to serve God as a friend would serve a friend, my life wouldn't be a long story detailing the religious journey of a woman, but a relationship between a friend and an even better one, Jesus.

Sunday Escapades,

lifeEscaping the monotonous daily grind (and heat) for good memories, great places and exceptional friends (and amazing ice cream).

WELCOME TO THE AFTERMATH

BEAUTIFUL, DANGEROUS

Okay, the music video is risqué. But Slash's 'Beautiful Dangerous' is one of my vocal goals for the year. I want to branch off into more rock stuff, i've really got to explore music more. It's time i move off from singing Paramore. It's very expected of me, but i don't want to be generalised like that.
Also, i need to start song writing again, like, actually write down the lyrics and melodies i create. Jamming on my guitar tonight was fun.

streams and brooks

what a beautiful and traditional diary. hm, next time i'm in glebe i'm definitely going to go crazy and buy billions of leather bound journals.

listening to brooke fraser helps me dream of spring and summer. it helps me look affectionally of the upside of this hot season. circumstances around me, however, leave me longing for the cold. where hugs are more welcoming and intimacy is exchanged for warmth.

Steve McCurry

Steve McCurry is my favourite photojournalist of late. His blog in itself is inspiring and reiterates just how lucky the developed world has it compared to the struggles of those who are living in poor conditions, whose lives are threatened due to civil conflict and aren't able to access an excellent education we do.

Additionally, i was watching comedian Louis C.K. the other night, and he had a joke on how "white people have white people problems". Being that we, citizens of the developed world usually make up our own problems despite of our amazing lives. I've graduated high school, but i don't have a boyfriend. I go to McDonald's for food, but I've had to wait 5 minutes in queue. Tumblr is down, i have nothing else to do with my life.

I've really learnt to put everything into perspective. Live with humility. Love with compassion. Life is only as hard as you make it.

Oh, and read Steve McCurry's Blog

fist pump. every opportunity you can.

Headache,

I have an intense headache. For real. And i'm so tired (in an i've-seized-the-day kind of way), we have this DVBS (Daily Vocational Bible School) going on at my church. It's basically a 5 day "camp" for kids empowering them to be heroes in their own circumstances and communities (as well as learning about this epic hero we've got named God). My expectations were thrown out the window as soon as i saw their smiling faces and affectionate hugs come before me. i've never been so blessed by kids, and i've never been so excited to serve them like this before.

On a more personal aspect of my life, I've had to do some growing up. Some difficult growing up. In one part of my life, i'm bearing so much fruit, i'm getting to the root of issues i've been having and things are being rebuilt and i've been edified. In another, I feel like i'm being neglected. Like I've been tossed out without care. Like I'm no longer worth so much as a superficial conversation, let alone the great revelations we used to share. Friendships are harder to maintain when you're not coerced to spend every minute of the day with such people. Actually, it's been incredibly easy for some but for others, i'm slowly letting them go for the fear that i've already been let go of. And that sucks, being parted from like that without a word, without a reason, without even a chance to fight it out.

Hm. This headache's throbbing harder.

UNIVERSITY

I start uni in 9 days. And i have yet to send in my enrolment form and digital passport photo. That's just how incredibly awesome I am *nervous laugh*

There's no better way than procrastinating then re-discovering your favourite blogs / photographers online. Seriously, i've wasted hours just looking through and reminding myself why i love them in the first place. And reminding me to live myself. Sure, their photographs are brilliant but i can't help but think that there is a world outside my macbook, a world that i could fall in love with without having to rely on the photographs of someone i don't know (this is good and bad thing). And all i have to do is turn this mac off, put on some shoes and walk outside my own door and check it out. hmm, cannot wait to start uni and begin discovering sydney city for what it's worth.

ah, no. i shan't be revealing my secret blogs.

NYE: 2010

#10 [COPACABANA]

i make these Adventure videos. i've made 10 so far, click here to check them all out. They're an exchange of words for footage as i record some of the things we all go through (birthday parties, road trips, stormy drives home, kittens) and put them into one short video. I quite enjoy documenting my life like this. It makes it easier to relive.

So NYE last year was seriously the greatest NYE i've ever experienced, it also happened to be my good friend Yan's birthday. It's nice to know the world celebrates it too, haha. I can't really describe any more, i guess you'll have to watch in order to find out.