Graduation = DONE

Yeah, i graduated last week. my photographer of a friend was the photographer and his photos are clearly better than mine.

didn't know that i get fierce when i sing. the second one is just for ally :)

graduating high school is more than we all think

so, if you're frequent in updating yourself on my blogger shenanigans, it is clear and you'd understand the things i've been experienced the past week. but its in the past, and that's where i'll leave it. however, somewhat understand the contextualities of this post goes hand-in-hand with what i've been going through in my friendships.

He's been teaching me a lot about friendships, problems and pain. I guess, one of the hardest struggles is, amongst all that, am i kneeling before the King and offering it to Him? Am i yielding myself, worshipping Him with complete disregard of my dignity, of my appearance but having my heart set and intent on encountering Him on a measure i never have before.

Problems and issues, although you seek Him in the midst of it, can be so distracting in actually encountering God. I've just realised that, sometimes we more so seek Him for the sole purpose of finding solutions, rather than the sole heartbeat of a desire to just worship Him for all He is, disregarding the fact that you've got issues in your life. What an interesting revelation. What an interesting way to twist and re-conceptualise how and why we worship. well, not really, but it sounds fresh to me in those words.

Attached to this blog are images of the remnants of the our "group" (somewhat, with one of two figures missing). Yeah, we had a split. And it was hard for me, and the other side will probably never understand it from my point-of-veiw. it was a hurtful thing to do, but i know it was right and i appreciate those who are sticking around, sticking for life. that's how we veiw it now. we just don't want friends who cheat on our emotions etc, we want life friends, friends we can struggle through life with, friends that will fight and bicker but for a purpose only to build each other up and resolutions in situations that do arise.

i'm exuberantly thankful for the experiences i've had with people from all different types of ideals, morals and goals. i have never been so challenged by a group of people in my faith. its been through my friendships with these guys that i've abandoned the hindsight of religion, but rather opened my eyes to what this place is really about, Jesus says its about love. Sharing it, living it, giving it, sacrificing it, understanding it. And i agree.

GRADUATION = DONE

which means the 3 preceding posts are now somewhat useless. high school dramas are now non-existent

you sunk my battleship ii

thank you for the spite. thank you for making this harder. it'll be over soon and i don't plan on being rude to you while we're all still around.

you sunk my battleship

i don't think they fully understand. this was never done out of spite, we didn't have an ounce of revenge, we never sought to have you destroyed. it was just a decision made for the better. and i can understand how we may come off looking like pigs. we may look selfish. we may look pretentious. however, let it be known, this is hard for me to. it's hard because i have made this journey with you, but all it has led to is a dead end. what fruit could we bare from one another when all we face is pride, selfishness and arrogance? don't think i never cared. i care. i still care. And its difficult for it to be this way and i have to keep reminding myself its for the better.

letting go,
ana

friendships like battleships

there's no civil way in ending a friendship. sometimes, a ship will sink.

there's no words that can articulate or express how i feel. no, i'm not the victim, but we came to a decision that it was time to prune ourselves and detach ourselves from the source of our pain and troubles. we detached a friend.
sounds horrible right? it was and it still is. we didn't want to fight, we didn't want to make accusations, we were done with drama. we, for once, wanted to rest in a peace and assurance that we weren't stepping on anyone's toes. but to achieve this, we had to make the ultimate step.
despite the fact that i feel like i've murdered someone. i can't help but reflect on how much pain i've been through. how much i've learnt of what was really beneath the surface and how much that hurt me. how much it is necessary to do this. i feel convicted and i know this is for the better. this is for growth.

when men & women get their hands on religion, one of the first things they often do is turn it into an instrument for controlling others, either putting or keeping them "in their place." the history of such religious manipulation and coercion is long and tedious

i really appreciate having opened my bible today. man oh man. i am as naive as a hungry ham. i've completely forgotten just how much i need the God's word. i've been so conscious of not appearing religious to my friends that i, as a whole, ignored that inner conviction that it's by God's grace, mercy + word that assists in my daily functioning. (i'm probably being slightly melodramatic, i'm not backsliding, i'm just giving myself a need kick up the back side).

i've also been feeling lonely. i need to surround myself with people that build me up again, i guess that's why i love summer. it's when those people are free and we are able to travel and seize all moments. yep. i've got to remember that i need to balance myself. you are the company you keep, after all.

hm. note to self: season of substance
[post-script]: just after i clicked "publish post" i looked down at my bible and read the introduction of hebrews, it sort of answered my thoughts for me:

it seems odd to have to say so, but too much religion is a bad thing. we can't get too much of God, can't get too much faith + obedience, can't get too much love + worship. But religion - the well-intentioned efforts we make to "get it all together" for God - can very well get in the way of what God is doing for us. the main and central action is everywhere and always what God has done, is doing, and will do for us. Jesus is the revelation of that action...

Romans 8:37-39

³⁷ Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. ³⁸ For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, ³⁹nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. [NKJV]

it's time to 'up':

this morning i didn't go to church. to compensate i listened to a podcast from passion city church titled "We Are: The Light of the World". Long story short, it's challenged me as a christian, in the sense that, am i in this world making a difference? or am i just of this world, feeling as insignificant as the enemy wants me to feel. "yes, yes ana. we've heard you talk about this story before". Yeah i know, but i thought it was incredibly timely for this season i'm going through.

God has really been nudging the importance prayer has in our walks and roles as christians. after all, 
"For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places." Ephesians 6: 12 [NKJV]. Jesus' life completely emulates this. He was born in a stable, His best friends that he served with were fishermen, tax officers - one even betrayed him. He hung out with prostitutes and the rejected folk of society, because they were morally disgusting. He then gave His life away, after forgiving the men who whipped him, spat on him and look down on him - dying like a criminal. I don't think Jesus at any point, lifted a finger of judgement during his lifetime all those years ago.


what can we learn from this? what ever happened to grace and mercy? when did we christians begin having that stereotype of being segregated from the world? when did it become a 'here we go again' when we see some (silly) ones picketing at places? we cannot attack people for things they devoid of. we can't physically fight for God's love to reach them, see how ironic that is?


the biggest impact i could ever make was understanding the circumstances of people and prayer. if we could humble ourselves and develop that crazy love for people. if we could look outwards towards God who'll direct our veiw in the world, instead of us internally or as just amongst other christians - think of the kind of place our little worlds and communities would be.

everyone goes through different degrees of pain and suffering. everyone wants to be valued and loved. everyone wants forgiveness and redemption in certain aspects of their lives. all God really wants me to do, is share the love that Christ has for them, the same love He has for me. The love that liberates me from the chains i bind myself in. Gosh, how could i ever abuse this capacity of grace?