i realise that i haven't blogged here in so long, or which such depth in a really long time. Now that i think about it, it's been a long time since i've put myself under the microscope to figure out what i've been been running on. What it is that really consumes me. What it is that i challenging me, moving me.
My greatest frailty is my notion to underestimate people. I always underestimate people. No matter how close to me, or how distant. I don't know what it is. Whether it's this pompous attitude i have about me (that needs to go), my independent attitude (yet secret need for companionship) or a fear of being let down. I always underestimate people, and through that, they always get the best of me and their actions always take me by surprise one way or another.
A once intimate friend, which i haven't spoken to in months due to a falling out, came back into my life today. And it wasn't me who initiated it. I wasn't upset that i hadn't been the one to take initiative. I was disappointed that i had held the idea that this person was altogether bad. A mean spirited, spiteful person that I never needed again. And i was wrong. I was wrong to have put up these signs around me to ensure that i never missed them or had the faintest desire to need them. The truth is, those very signs i put up became the model i was slowly becoming.
I always feel guilty. Guilty for allowing myself to fall into a pit or demeaning judgmental ideas that i've dug myself, based on prejudices i allow myself to believe. And i don't want to be that person. No thanks. That kind of person isn't just, loving, merciful, caring, considerate or forgiving. That person isn't Christ. And He is the kind of person i want to be like.
I've got a lot to do in the coming two week break i have from uni. A lot.
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