a song reminded me of what i was doing. a song, with its beautiful orchestral glory and awesome, slapped me on the face. i paused, and let it slap me again. what have i done?
its funny. when you make all these guarantees, commitments and promises. when you preach all these ideals and aspects but sometimes, can't even live it out. now, now kids. i haven't turned to drug dealin', like some of the cool kids seem to be doing these days.
why am i not studying as hard as i used to? i mean, why do i feel i know it all? why aren't i freaking out? why am i sitting back chillin' not insanely concerned about the great educational injustice that is about to take place next week. worst of all, i've pushed away, disregarded and made irrelevancy to the One who brought me all together.
God, i've been avoiding You. i'm making up poor excuses thinking that its to bring you glory. but am i? am i truly living with my heart set aflame to love like you did, to pursue the things you've laid out? i need to stop being that part-time religious girl, which is everything i don't want to be. my heart is hassled by the thought that i'm only 'holy' when i'm supposed to be 'holy'. *sigh tis a shame. i feel like a sham. i don't want to be that girl, "she doesn't even go here".
i need to die, a living death.
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